Five Things That Ruin My Life

I hate life. I'm not saying that because I want everyone to feel sorry for me and notice me; I actually do hate life. Sustaining my existence day to day is painful and exhausting. In this article, I will examine some things that make my life absolutely unbearable on a daily basis.

1. Printers

Every printer that I've ever had has been complete and utter trash. Every time I try to print something, I end up lying on the floor holding my chest because my heart is beating two hundred times per minute from my uncontrollable rage over the fact that I can't print a document written in black, twelve-point Times New Roman because my cyan ink cartridge is low. Just a few weeks ago, I had a problem with a printer. I was trying to print my suicide note, and my worthless excuse for a printer would only print blank pages. As such, I had no choice but to continue the nightmare that is my existence. By the time I saved up enough money to buy a new printer, I had changed my mind about killing myself. It's just the universe's way of persecuting me again.

2. Dull knives

Every knife that I have in my kitchen is as dull as my intellect (and my future). I have to use the energy required to channel a ninth circle spell just to slice some cheese for a salad. The worst part is that I can't even slit my wrists out of rage because the knife isn't sharp enough to pierce my skin. Damn it.

3. Chip cards

I got a debit card with a chip about a month ago. Getting it was no easy task. My bank mailed it to my old address (where I haven't lived for two years) in spite of the fact that I have been constantly receiving mail from them at my new address. I called my bank and had my address changed, and the person on the phone assured me that my address was changed and that the card would be mailed to my new address as soon as possible. Two weeks later, I had not received the card, so I called my bank again. I found out that the first person had not even updated my address, let alone sent the new debit card to me. It took about ten days for my card to arrive. During this whole fiasco, my old debit card was canceled, so I was without a debit card for almost a month.

Anyway, the chip has made my existence impossibly difficult. I always slide my card at stores out of habit, and I end up looking like a complete idiot to the person behind the counter. Trust me when I say that I had a hard enough time not looking like a complete dolt without the added burden of the chip on my card.

4. Video games

I've been playing video games for over twenty years, and I still totally suck at every game that I try to play. How do you suck at something that you've been doing for so long? I guess it doesn't help that I have the reflexes of a dead person, but reflexes aren't all that matters. When I play video games in the wrong mindset, I get extremely depressed because I realize how many thousands of hours that I've spent playing games. It translates into thinking about how I'll probably never be good at anything no matter how much I practice--writing, for example.

5. This article

I can't think of a fifth thing that ruins my life right now, and it's tearing me apart. The pressure is hitting me with the force of a million hungry cats. Why me?

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