A Cautionary Minecraft Tale by a Concerned Christian Mom

NOTE: This story contains some material that certain God-fearing parents may find disturbing or offensive. I share this tale as a warning for all other parents out there. This is a reminder that we must always watch what our children are doing on the Internet.

One rainy April day, my sweet thirteen-year-old daughter Sydney sat down for her daily twenty minutes on the family computer. The previous day, she had received a message from her good friend telling her about a fun game called Minecraft. While I normally do not approve of my children playing video games because I see them as a demonic tool created by Satan himself to turn us against our Lord, this game looked innocent enough. Mining, building, and crafting sounded like innocent, wholesome activities. After Sydney opened Minecraft for the first time on that fateful day, though, it was the beginning of the end for her.

Several days later, I noticed that Sydney, who was usually a good little girl, was exceeding her daily computer time by six, seven, or even eight minutes! She told me that she was having so much fun playing Minecraft that she had lost track of the time. I told her that I would be setting a timer for exactly twenty minutes because I did not need her wasting her life away in front of a computer like so many other twenty-first century demon children. She is to spend her evenings doing productive things like doing her homework she gets from the wonderful nuns at her private Catholic school, reading the Bible, saving her homosexual friends, and contemplating the re-election of Saint Donald (the first enlightened president we've had since 2009).

The timer worked wonders for a while. Sydney was quoting Bible passages, making her homosexual friends feel terrible about their ungodly choices, posting Facebook comments supporting the immediate shutdown of all mosques in the United States by government force, and doing all the other things that proper young girls her age should be doing. However, I noticed that she was still playing that game for over half of her daily twenty minutes on the family computer. After a while, I realized that she was addicted, and I did what any good God-fearing mother would do: I checked out what she was doing in this game for myself.

When I looked into what she was doing in this game, I was appalled! She was creating realistic-looking swords that could be used to kill other realistic-looking people on so-called "multiplayer" servers. There are even certain so-called "marriage servers" where horny teenagers, sex offenders, and even ATHEISTS can prey on sweet, impressionable thirteen-year-old girls who have been protected by God from learning about anything remotely sexual so far in their lives. As a woman of God, I immediately barged into Sydney's room and paddled her rear end until every inch of it was bruised. (That is the problem with hippies, atheists, and Democrats; they do not discipline their children!) She is no longer allowed near any electronic devices, and she is to report straight home after school and read her Bible for the entirety of the evening until every Satanic urge is cleansed from her soul. She will never even think about going against the Lord again.

As for the developers of this abomination that is Minecraft, I have teamed with other responsible Christian mothers to take the most effective course of action; we will soon be creating a campaign on GiveSendGo, a Christian petition website where other brothers and sisters of Jesus have been raising money to bring Christianity to those lost souls in Southeast Asia for years (who actually think that Buddhism is a real religion), to raise money for a large class-action lawsuit against Mojang (the developers of Minecraft, who are naturally based in the Godless third-world socialist country of Sweden) for developing this game to corrupt our youth and the ESRB for having the audacity to give this wretched game an "E" rating. This is nothing more than an atheist conspiracy to deliver the word of Satan to our impressionable young children, and we are confident that the judge will see it our way.

To all Christian parents out there: watch what your children are doing. These atheists will stop at nothing to persecute us. We must constantly be watchful for their campaigns to corrupt the most impressionable among us.

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