In Dark Places

[1.0x] Talk all about your life. Rants are welcome.
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Yumika
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In Dark Places

Post by Yumika » 3 weeks ago

For the longest time, I've dealt with the constant pain of rejection and deception. I've been stabbed in the back by so-called "friends" that caught me at my most vulnerable state, exploiting me and discarding me once my "usefulness" expired to them. I've grown weary and tired of people and things, sent down the stray and narrow path of major depression. I've had many nights tossing and turning in bed, wondering where things went wrong, and in all that precious time wasted while trying to make sense out of all the injustices and cruelties I've personally experienced in my life.

I've had a very embarrassing Internet past. I put myself in a compromised state unknowingly, and was easy prey to all that saw me. I have been lucky enough to never go along with wanting to harm myself or resort to substance abuse. My only scars are mental scars, so I have nothing in the flesh to feel ashamed of. It's just that I endured such deep pain, hatred, and disillusion for such a long time. I have missed out on so many opportunities that my age group would be all over. Things like relationships, careers, a nice car, a house that's mine, etc. that I just never had the financial opportunity, on top of my daily anguish.

I truly, truly hated myself and what I was all about in all that time. I felt like a burden, a parasite, and a complete failure. All in one. It didn't matter what I had going for myself. Those were all just superficial things. There will always be someone who's more physically attractive than you and makes way more money than you could possibly think of what to do with. As a man, you will have to accept that there will be guys taller than you, more muscular than you, and "bigger" than you. As a woman, you will have to accept that there will be girls more slender than you, more feminine than you, and "bustier" than you. It doesn't matter what gender you are. It's all the same crap. The more I realize it, the laws of natural selection are at play. Why do you think that it's usually the weaker vessel that get tossed around and left for dead, with no one (not even family) to be on the lookout? Why do you think they eventually resort to offing themselves, realizing that no one genuinely wants to be around them for even a second?

It is my firm stance that the Internet, along with mainstream media and its agents of deception and manipulation, are just some of the culprits that intend on interfering with your daily progress in life, telling you that you "suck", and that you can never be "interesting", if you don't do "this" and "that". I often feel so detached from society in general, because I'm convinced that people are more predictable and thus seem quite generic at first when we make contact. They always talk about the same hobbies and interests that other people "like" them parrot on about. Very little, if any, is there room for character development. You'd often have to be assured that you can influence them someway, somehow. Yet, I realize suddenly, many people are ignorant and refuse to change their habits. No matter how much you take into account with your life and work on your issues to become a more likeable and interesting person, the rest of the people that I interact with will likely remain just as they are. It's a bitter pill that I had to swallow, really for my own protection from them.

To sum it all up, I've had a rough start in my young adult life. I had dreams and aspirations of acing careers that I'd been interested in since I was a little kid. I couldn't wait to become an "adult", but as soon as that hit, everything started changing so drastically and so suddenly. Life no longer was the same for me since then. Lots of very private matters surfaced since then (I don't want to mention them on a public forum) that contributed lots to my depression. I wasted nearly a whole decade fighting my demons, and I'm still fighting the few that remain. The few that are just so near-impossible to get rid of. I'd like them gone, period. They tormented me and caused so many PTSD-like symptoms that only became more apparent in recent years. I want my random bouts of panic attacks and severe paranoia gone. I have intense fears that, despite being assured that I have no reason to be worried, cause lots of self-doubt and mistrust of others and whatever they have to say.

I'm just tired of this prison planet and just want to enjoy the simpler things in life. I can't just remove this damn curse (the Internet), which is a thousand times worse than alcohol. Easily the biggest pile of crap that I had endured for so long.
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In Dark Places

Post by Princess MeowsePad » 3 weeks ago

I'm sorry that you've gone through all that. :(

I, too, feel like the Internet is pretty toxic. It's unfortunate, but I've had a lot of good things come from my Internet activities as well. It's really all about trying to get rid of people who are just trying to belittle you to boost themselves up. I guess the same could be said about real life as well.

There are some people who are successful from a very young age, but that's usually due to inheritance or luck. It very rarely has to do with talent or intelligence alone. There are far more people who are not successful who skillfully craft an image of themselves to make themselves seem far more successful than they are. They will often belittle people by comparing them to a false persona.
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Yumika
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In Dark Places

Post by Yumika » 3 weeks ago

True. What baffles me most is how even rich people fall into the depths of despair. How can they? They have all the money that they could spend on themselves to forget about all the nonsense in an instant. They could spend that money on a good therapist. How come some rich people aren't happy with what they got? Shit, I would be the luckiest (poor) person on earth to take home even a "measly" million dollars. I could fix a lot of my problems right there and then. No debt or rent to worry about ever again. Pay very little to no taxes. People will actually watch their mouth when in my presence. I can even set aside some of that money and give it to charities and help hundreds of unemployed and/or homeless people get back to being productive members of society.

Sadly, greed will always overpower all sorts of good intentions, hence why this world is so fucked up and beyond all help.
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